


beyond repair

by contrarian



Category: Ray Donovan (TV)
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-16
Updated: 2019-06-16
Packaged: 2020-05-12 22:40:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19238545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/contrarian/pseuds/contrarian
Summary: Ray and Bunchy, a oneshot somewhere in season 5.





	beyond repair

**Author's Note:**

> another recently dug up never to be expanded on fic for you guys to (hopefully) enjoy. written sometime during season 5.

There was something about Bunchy. Sometimes, Ray would just see him, and he would feel it, like a punch to the gut, and that was a cliche but- he would know. And in the bar, again, he felt it, but he didn’t know what to say.

Terry and Bridget, he loved, whatever that was, exactly. Bunchy made his heart leap into his throat, and he called it insane, he called it love, he called it _Bunchy needs people to look after him, and who else is there?_ he called it pity and he ignored it, over the years.

Even when they were children, Bunchy had felt so much younger- as long as Ray could remember he had felt more brother than son, and brother meant father more than _father_ ever had, from Terry to Ray, Bunchy and Bridget.

Maybe it was because he’d failed Bunchy as badly as he had ever failed anyone. When he put himself against Terry he came up so terribly short that he could almost blame himself for every single thing that had ever happened to Bunchy and Bridget, whatever logic had to say. He should have known. He should have done this, done that. It had been his responsibility, and even when it hadn’t been, it would have been within his power.

He’d tried to explain that to Abby once, and she had picked it apart so thoroughly, no nonsense but so kind. You can’t blame yourself for something somebody else did, she’d said. And he’d shut her off and rebuilt that wall, because if that was true, he was just a victim.

So maybe that desperate feeling was guilt?

And he wondered if that was what love was, physical pain. A breathless, urgent, protective force. But then, he loved Terry and he had loved Bridget, and it didn’t take his breath away. So it couldn’t just have been love.

(It wasn’t panic. It wasn’t that he saw a child in Bunchy, even after all these years. He had grown in his own way, but sometimes it was so close to the surface! and Ray didn’t want to see how close it was to the surface. Sometimes he had a vulnerability that was so acute and Ray didn’t want to be reminded that they were the same, in so many ways they were the same. Ray couldn’t look at Bunchy and see himself, because if they were so similar, he was broken. He had convinced himself that if he had ever been a child, that child was dead. If he recognised Bunchy, that child wasn’t dead. It was in pain, and he was broken.)

Ray loved his brothers. When Bunchy said, _I want the money_ Ray heard _I choose Mickey_. And he was so sick of hearing it, from Bunchy, from his kids; why couldn’t they all see that he was the root of the evil in their family? The rot? That this would go as wrong for his brother as anything involving Mickey ever head? He was sick of it. Protecting his family from themselves (though when he was being honest, Ray knew he was only protecting himself).

When he said, _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __you’re the same to me if you take the money___________ he knew it was a lie. Yeah, there was only so many times Bunchy could choose wrong before Ray cut him out, but Mickey was anger and hatred to him, and Bunchy would never be more than frustration, guilt. If Bunchy’s brothers weren’t enough? If Bunchy thought Mickey was worth the air he breathed? Ray was finished trying to convince him otherwise.

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback appreciated, as always x


End file.
